Boy with the Topknot; A memoir of love, secrets and lies in
Wolverhampton by Sathnam Sanghera
This biography was a delight.
Whilst it was a very personal journey to discover the truth
about his family history; Punjabi, Sikh and one in which many secrets had been
kept including mental health and marital violence, it is also about aspects of growing up that we all felt
we could relate to. Sangahera is 24, a journalist work in London when he
discovers accidentally that his father and his eldest sister have
Schizophrenia. Having agonised over this information he eventually at 30
decides that he needs to know more. The book flips between his life in London
where he dates white girls unsuccessfully at the same time as deny his parents
this information and wanting at some levels to please his mother whose strong
belief is he should, like his siblings marry someone of his own cast and
religion, to his childhood in Wolverhampton where there were many aspects of
Punjabi folklore that he and his siblings were expected to live by.
The book takes us back to the time that his father came to
England followed later by his mother as
an arranged marriage. Early on there is violence, drinking and loss of
numerous jobs, accusations that his mother was the cause of her husbands
problems until he is eventually diagnosed as having a mental illness. Once
successfully stabilised on medication and having stopped drinking there appears
no evidence of his illness and it is understood by the family that he does not
work because he has diabetes. Hence Sanghera grew up with no knowledge of the
problems his parents had faced. He grew up in a close and supportive
atmosphere, was loved, knew very few white people, did well at school, and went
to Cambridge; a great achievement, given that neither of his parents speak
English, his father is illiterate and his mother was 14 years when she left
education in India.
Sanghera gives up his job in London returning to live with
his parents whilst he puts together the information he needs to write the
family story. He describes a Kafkaesque experience of attempts to find
information from the County Court in Wolverhampton about his father's criminal
record, he goes into battle to get details of his father's medical records and
finds them very limited. He gathers memories from members of his parents
families who help put pieces into the picture for him. His mother gives him
dates and eventually is able to confirm some of the stories that he has
collected. His sister also helps him to learn something about her decline from
a high achieving student to a withdrawn young women who accepts a marriage that
fails quickly against the background of mental illness.
Despite the seriousness of the subject it is dealt with with
a light touch, a sensitivity towards the family members and with great humour.
There are many laugh out loud moments as the author explains in a very self
deprecating tone the noisy household he grew up in, how he negotiated the
cutting of his topknot, his struggle not to be recognised by various taxi
drivers in case details of his activities got back to is family; as all are
likely to be related in some way or know the family. He describes the numerous
meetings he has with potential suitable young Sikh women whom his mother has
found for him.
The book closes with a very poignant letter to his mother.
He has had it written for him in Punjabi as
he cannot face telling her that he is not prepared to marry a woman she
might see as suitable. He explains how appreciative of her love and care he is,
how puzzled he was to discover the extent of mental illness in the family,
possible going back as far as his great grandfather. He tells her of the
changing world, the different lives they have and therefore the very different
expectations they have. He asks her why she is so committed to arranged
marriages as hers has caused her a lot of suffering and his eldest daughters'
first marriage failed so painfully and appeals to her unconditional love,
something which there seems to be an abundance of in the family.
